


A Matter of Faith

by cathyearnshaw



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 00:36:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6351904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cathyearnshaw/pseuds/cathyearnshaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all comes down to faith, after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Matter of Faith

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT WARNING: This story contains religious overtones and discusses the Catholic faith in particular. No offense intended. I was raised Catholic myself and have the utmost respect for everyone's religion.

nothing false and possible is love  
(who's imagined, therefore is limitless)  
love's to giving as to keeping's give;  
as yes is to if, love is to yes 

must's a schoolroom in the month of may:  
life's the deathboard where all now turns when  
(love's a universe beyond obey  
or command, reality or un-) 

proudly depths above why's first because  
(faith's last doubt and humbly heights below)  
kneeling, we-true lovers-pray that us  
will ourselves continue to outgrow 

all whose mosts if you have known and i've  
only we our least begin to guess

e. e. cummings

 

***

 

"Do you believe in evil, Scully?"

The question didn't come as a surprise to her. Mulder had been sulking since they'd worked on the Holvey case. He'd said very little about what took place in the hospital, and she hadn't asked him to elaborate. He would talk when he was ready. 

Well, it looked like he was ready now. 

Scully lifted her gaze from the expense report she was working on and took off her reading glasses. She looked him straight in the eye. Mulder was sitting at his desk, leaning over the table, his face tense. 

"I'm Catholic, Mulder. That alone should answer your question." She tried to make things easier for him with the casual remark, but he didn't take the bait.

"I don't mean the 'devil with horns and a place with flames' classical stereotype, Scully. I'm talking about something more tangible here." He stood up and walked around the office, his hands on his hips.

She wasn't sure whether to take that as an insult, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. "Tangible? How so?"

"Can I ask you a personal question?" He stopped pacing and sat down on the desk, facing her. She gave him a reassuring nod.

"Sure."

"Okay. Catholics believe that God is all powerful and the creator of all things, correct?"

"Yes, that's pretty accurate." 

"And at the same time, they understand God is not the author of evil, because He who caused all things to be couldn't possibly, at the same time, also cause them not to be. Am I right?"

Scully gave the question some thought before replying. It wasn't like Mulder to bring up the subject of religion. He would believe the most preposterous paranormal theories, but when it came to simple faith, he was skepticism personified. 

"I see you've been reading St. Augustine. That's his classical definition of evil: the privation, or absence, of good, as darkness is the absence of light."

"I've been pouring over biblical and historical accounts, events, and reports, but nothing has helped to get my mind off that case. It's been haunting me, Scully."

"Well, to answer your previous question, Mulder, yes. Catholics do believe God is not the author of evil. God is the quintessence of love. He does, however, 'permit' evil in view of a greater good. Or it can be that evil derives from the misuse of our free will. And something that's created good can become corrupted."

"Wouldn't that absolve God of any responsibility? Wouldn't that be the easier way to explain evil?" 

"Mulder, I can't even begin to think of a way of explaining this to you. Maybe that's really what faith is; you don't question, you merely believe."

"I have difficulty accepting that theory coming from you, Scully." 

He shook his head and threw her a very frustrated look. "I have trouble seeing you so eager to believe in anything that corroborates your faith, yet you demand proof and solid evidence to trust my word whenever it defies your science."

That last statement would have sounded extremely presumptuous if she hadn't known he was deeply affected by the Holvey case. 

"I trust your word, Mulder. I just need proof and solid evidence, as you call it, to give it credit. You don't need to prove yourself to me."

He hung his head, looking very tired. "I just wish I had your faith sometimes. I've seen evil in so many forms already. I've seen it in the eyes of those murderers I helped catch when I was with the VCU. I've felt it at that hospital while the Calusari performed their ceremony. They said it knows me, Scully. And it scares the hell out of me."

"I've seen my share of evil too. Remember Tooms? Remember Donnie Pfaster? I'm not as innocent and naive as you want to think I am." 

Scully's voice was laced with tenderness and compassion. She really hoped he'd find some solace in her words. "But yes, I happen to believe in a higher, stronger force which will eventually bring the good out in people."

"You're lucky, Scully." He leaned over her desk and softly fingered the cross hanging from her neck. The bold gesture took her by surprise, but she tried not to show it. "You know, I wore this while you were missing."

"You wore my cross?" Now she couldn't hide her shock. "Why, Mulder?"

"I needed to. It was my only link to you, ironically enough. A faith we don't share. It helped me through those awful months. You told me you had the strength of my beliefs, but my faith was actually in you, Scully. It had nothing to do with God. I just felt you weren't ready to go. And I wasn't ready to let you."

She couldn't think of anything to say as her eyes welled up. He let go of her cross and leaned down to look her in the eye.

"Hey, hey, Scully, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I shouldn't have brought this up, I'm sorry," he said, wiping a lone tear with his fingertips as it rolled down her cheek. "I've been a bit on edge these last couple of days. Don't mind me."

"I have faith in you, too, Mulder," she managed to say, keeping her voice low so it wouldn't break. "I'm sorry if I don't show it more often."

The sound of Mulder's cell phone ringing made them both jump. She was actually thankful for the interruption - the situation was getting pretty out of hand. She didn't normally allow herself to act emotional with her partner. He looked at the caller ID and decided to ignore it, but the tension had been broken.

Scully knew she was being a total wuss, but opted for a safe move. "Mulder, I'm going to see Karen Kosseff about that report she said she'd write for us. It'll be a good backup for yours, and we do have that meeting with Skinner tomorrow." She picked up her briefcase from the desk and walked to the door, stopping at the threshold to look at him.

He nodded. "Okay, Scully. It's almost five anyway. I'll finish my report at home. There's a Knicks game tonight that I really want to see." He smiled at her, but she could tell it was a forced one. 

"Give my best to Dr. Kosseff. She was a big help. See you tomorrow."

"I'll call you later, Mulder."

Scully couldn't help feeling there was something weird going on with her partner as she walked through the corridor to Karen's office. Finish work at home? That was very un-Mulder. But she decided to give him some space. Maybe he just needed a little time to decompress. It had been a difficult case.

They had never actually talked about the aftermath of her abduction. She had spent a few days recovering at home, under the vigilant eye and tender care of her family. Her mother hadn't told her much about the missing time and coma. "It's all over now, dear, you're back safe and sound, that's what matters," Maggie would say, holding her baby daughter close. But Scully could see there was an affectionate look on her mother's face every time Maggie set her eyes on Mulder, and that she would stare sternly at Melissa whenever her sister tried to bring up the subject. 

What she knew was that Mulder had fought tooth and nail to get the X-Files back, and succeeded. And when Skinner asked her whether she wanted to transfer out to Quantico and get back to teaching, she  
vehemently refused. She couldn't leave the X-Files. Oh hell, who was she trying to fool? She couldn't leave her partner.

He had been watching over her from a safe distance, since she'd recovered from the coma. He'd even been trying to talk her out of potentially dangerous or traumatic situations. That attitude would normally piss her off; Scully hated to be seen as weak. But Mulder's intentions were sincere - he never patronized or underestimated her as others like Jack Willis had done. His concern for her was genuine. He hadn't wanted her to go to Mount Avalon because she had just gotten medical permission to resume fieldwork, and he thought it was too soon. The whole idea behind the dreadful Pfaster case had been to drag her out of Washington to take her to a football game. He traded Samantha for her. Or the clone he thought to be his sister, anyway. He did trust her, and he was committed to her, of that she had no doubt. She had known for a long time now that her own feelings for Mulder went much deeper than trust and commitment  
to a work partner.

She knocked on Karen's door and opened it, walking into the social worker's office. Talking to Karen always did her good. 

 

***

7:35 pm

 

It was raining heavily while Scully cruised the streets, heading for Alexandria. She had called Mulder three times and gotten no answer. His cell was out of service, which was downright weird, and he wasn't answering at home. She tried one more time, just in case.

"Hello, this is Fox Mulder. Leave a message--"

She hung up, annoyed and worried, and pressed the gas pedal a little more. When she got to his apartment building, the rain had slowed down and she was able to leave the car and cross the street without getting soaked. 

Scully stopped in front of the door to apartment 42 and hesitated. What if he wasn't alone? She remembered the call he had blatantly ignored at the office. It could have been one of his women. She was sure he had one-night stands, that was clear to her from the way women stared at him all the time. He could have any of them anytime, why wouldn't he? 

She knocked softly once, twice. There was no answer.

Scully put her ear to the door, trying to catch a sound. She heard what seemed to be static. He must have fallen asleep with the TV on.

Fishing her key from her purse, Scully found the one labeled "Mulder" and let herself in. Her eyes took a moment to adjust to the darkness. 'Why is his place always so dark?' she thought. She scanned the room. He wasn't sprawled on the couch as she had expected. He was sitting in his computer chair, leaning over the desk, his head cradled in the crook of his arm, sleeping. 

Scully crossed the room on tiptoe, turned off the TV and stopped beside the chair. The soft rain splattered on the window, creating a hypnotic noise. Mulder was still in his work shirt and pants. The jacket lay on the floor near the couch, as if he had thrown it that way and missed. His tie was hanging from the back of the  
chair. It looked as if he couldn't wait to get back online. She felt so sorry for him sometimes; the work was his life. She had her family, a loving mother and sister - she'd become even closer to Melissa since her abduction - and even though her brothers were away at sea, she knew she could count on them. Mulder had a missing sister, estranged parents, a troubled love life, if Phoebe was any indication, and his previous history with the FBI had been traumatic friends-wise. No wonder he was so driven, so relentless when it came to work.

She knew he couldn't keep sleeping in that position - it had to be killing his back. On the other hand, she felt a pang of guilt for having to wake him up when he looked like he was sleeping soundly. She moved closer to him so she could take off his reading glasses. The computer sprang to life when her hand slipped against the mouse, and the last sentences of the report he'd been writing appeared on the screen. 

"The strange case of Charlie Holvey and the deaths that occurred during his possession by a dark and malevolent force are unsolved. The boy, who will celebrate his tenth birthday next month, remains  
under the watchful care of his mother. And though I believe him innocent of the crimes, I am disturbed by the warnings of the Calusari that neither innocence nor vigilance may be protection against the howling heart of evil."

Scully knew how deeply Mulder had been affected by the whole experience with the Calusari and although she considered their ceremony to be an old folks' myth, she could understand that her partner had a different take on it. She was worried enough by his confession to be disturbed. It took a lot to frighten or shake Mulder.

She touched his shoulder, trying to wake him without startling him. "Mulder, it's me. Wake up."

He stirred and blinked. She smiled while he raised his head slowly, trying to refocus. "Scully? What are you doing here? What's wrong?"

"Your cell phone seemed to be out of service and every time I called you here the machine picked up. You weren't looking well when you left the office, and I was worried."

"I'm okay. I was writing the report on the Holvey case and I guess I fell asleep. What time is it?"

"About eight. I had dinner with Karen. I've been trying to reach you, but you didn't answer. What happened to your cell?"

He stood up, knuckling his eyes, which gave him a boyish look. "Dunno. Guess I forgot to recharge the battery. Would you like some coffee?"

"Yeah, coffee would be good, thanks."

He walked into the kitchen and started fumbling with the coffeemaker. "So, what did Karen say?"

"She wrote a very thorough report. It'll be a useful addition to yours. I don't think I'll have much else to say," she said, leaning on the counter beside him.

"You know what was happening there, Scully."

"That boy was clearly disturbed, Mulder. It doesn't mean he was possessed by the spirit of his twin."

He turned on his heels, facing her. "You SAW Michael leaving in that car with Maggie Holvey while Charlie was still in his hospital bed! Jesus, what will it take for you to drop this annoying rationalism?"

She wasn't expecting that outburst and backed off. He probably saw she had been hurt, because he immediately grabbed her hand and stopped her in her tracks. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I told you I'm a little bit on edge. Maybe you should just go."

"Mulder, you seem to think all I do is go against you. I can't tell you I believe something I don't. I can't lie to you, but I'm trying to give your work some credence, some scientific backup. I can't do that without formulating my own theories, finding my own truth."

He hung his head, looking defeated. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just tired. And scared." He moved closer to her, leaning his head on her shoulder. "Sometimes it's just too much, Scully. I'm glad you came over. I don't know where I'd be without you."

She pulled him into a hug, lacing her fingers in the hair on the nape of his neck. 

"You should get some rest, you're exhausted," she murmured. "Don't drink any coffee. I'll get you something to help you get back to sleep."

"I don't need sleeping pills," he said, his voice muffled by her sweater. "But you can help me sleep if you want. Just stay with me tonight."

Scully froze, her fingers coming to a complete stop against his scalp. Her heart skipped a beat. What did he mean? 

He sensed her discomfort and raised his head from the cradle of her shoulder. "I'm sorry. That was way out of line. I should let you go, Scully."

She shook her head and moved her hand to his face. "No, it's okay. Really. I'll stay with you if it'll make you feel better. You just caught me off guard, that's all."

He took her hand and kissed it lightly. It was enough to make her tremble.

"Why did I catch you off guard? Don't you know how I need you, Scully? You should know it by now."

She knew indeed. It was pretty clear he had grown dependent on her. He'd grown accustomed to having her around. She seemed to be always running after him to save his ass whenever he got himself into trouble. She had also gotten used to defending Mulder every time Skinner gave him a hard time and backing him up when he was ridiculed by his peers at the Bureau who couldn't hold a candle to him. 

"You have me, Mulder. I'm here, right beside you as always."

"That's not what I meant."

She felt a mix of excitement and fear rushing through her whole body. "What did you mean?"

"You drive all evil away, Scully," he said, burying his face in her neck again. "You're my faith."

Next thing she knew, Mulder was nuzzling her face. His hand moved to the back of her head to stroke her hair, and she leaned against him, circling his waist with her arms. He seemed to be encouraged by her reaction and then his mouth was seeking hers. Her eyelids fluttered shut and there was nothing else she could do but surrender. She'd fought long enough. 

He held her by the back of her head and pulled her close, slanting his mouth over hers and stealing her breath in the process. She parted her lips, allowing him to kiss her even deeper. There was nothing friendly about that kiss. It was a lover's caress, lip-bruising, teeth-clashing, demanding and passionate. He tasted of tea and lemon and she was getting drunk on him.

When they broke the kiss, he had a panicked look on his face. She sensed he was afraid he'd gone too far and reassured him by framing his face in her hands and bringing his mouth back to hers.

His arms went around her waist and he lifted her. She banded her arms around his neck for support and let him carry her to the living room, settling her down on the couch. He knelt in front of her, tucking her disheveled hair behind her ears. The rainwater had messed with her careful hairdo, bringing back the natural curls. He was looking at her in an adoring way, and she thought that a slow seduction wouldn't work at all for them in those circumstances. If he allowed her time to think, she'd bail out. He was kissing his way from her face to her collarbone, his hands traveling up and down her sides.

Suddenly it was not enough. Scully put her hands against his chest, pushing him away a little. He moved back, startled. She could see in his fallen face he had misunderstood her move. "Relax, Mulder, I just want to get rid of this," she said, unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it off him. 

Mulder's hand moved from her neck down to the small of her back, maneuvering her to lie down. She pulled him into her arms. It amused her that half of his lanky body was off the couch. 

"I'm sorry I don't have a bed," he said, kissing her temple.

"I don't care," she replied. "I'll have you anywhere. I want you everywhere, Mulder. On your couch, in my bed, against the wall, on your desk. I have dreamed of every possible scenario."

"We can try everything, Scully," he whispered. She laid back and let him pull off her boots and trousers. He moved up and slowly unbuttoned her blouse, never taking his eyes off hers. "You can stop this anytime, Scully. I want you to be sure here," he said. 

She'd have none of that. "A little less conversation, a little more action, please, Mulder."

He laughed. "Never took you for an Elvis fan, Scully. You keep unfolding like a flower." He hooked his thumbs in the delicate lace of her panties and pulled them off, moving his mouth down her stomach.

When she realized his intention, she panicked. "Mulder, wait."

He lifted his head, a hint of amusement in his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"What... what are you doing?"

He kissed the soft skin of her stomach and moved his hands up and down her thighs. "You know what I'm doing."

"Mulder, this is... oh, God."

"Too much, too soon?"

"No, I... God, this is so embarrassing."

He moved up her body until they were eye-level. "You don't have to feel embarrassed with me, Scully. Talk to me."

"I'm sorry. It's just that... it's been a long time... since anyone tried that."

"Do you want me to?"

She blushed furiously. Curse of the Irish, she thought. Mulder was looking at her intently, his eyes a deep shade of green. "Scully. Talk to me. Do you want me to?"

"No... yes... I don't know!"

"Well, you gotta let me know. Because I want to, Scully. I really, really want to taste you."

She closed her eyes and threw her head back on the cushion. "Yes," she murmured. 

The first contact of his mouth against her nearly set her off. She laced her fingers through his hair and he moved one of his arms up, holding her down by the waist. She had never been too vocal in bed but it was hard to keep quiet, so she bit her lips almost to the point of drawing blood. 

He brought her to a shuddering climax in just a few minutes. He moved up a bit so he could look at her face, and held her close while she recovered. "I always knew I wanted you, Scully," she heard him saying, "but I never thought I'd want you this much."

"I want you too," she replied, her mind still reeling. Her hands went to his belt buckle and opened it. He stood up to remove his trousers and boxers. She pulled him back into her arms, whispering, "Don't make me wait."

"That wouldn't cross my mind." Mulder unclasped her bra and buried his face between her breasts. His hands moved down her ribcage to her thighs, hoisting them up. She took his cue and wrapped her legs around his hips, her arms sneaking around his back.

He braced himself on his elbows and looked at her. The intensity in his gaze overwhelmed her, and she shivered in anticipation. Scully finally knew the literal meaning of "taking matters into your own hands" when she wrapped her fingers around his hard shaft and guided him into her.

She could see he was fighting for control, trying to go easy. But it had been a long time for her, since Ethan, and she couldn't hold back a little gasp of pain. He halted his movement immediately. "Scully? Are you okay?"

"Never been better," she whispered. Scully was touched by his concern and tenderness. He was such an intense person, she had expected him to act accordingly with his personality while making love. Trust Mulder to surprise her as a thoughtful, selfless lover. "Go ahead." 

He started moving slowly, trying to set a rhythm. There wasn't much space for maneuvering on the couch, but she wasn't really interested in any elaborate gymnastics. He felt wonderful. The initial discomfort had faded away as her excitement grew, and she started moving in counterpart with him, holding onto his arms for support. She could feel the pleasure building up again and looked up at him in disbelief. 'How can you learn me so fast, Mulder', she thought. 

"I want to make you come again, Scully," he said, as if reading her mind. His voice was the final straw. Her nails dug into his skin. She shut her eyes tightly and shuddered. The second time was even better than the first, and she couldn't bite back a moan. "That's it, let me hear you," he groaned, nuzzling her neck. She felt when he started losing control, and tightened the grip of her legs around his waist. He kissed her as he came and she was awash in sensation. He dropped his head on her shoulder and relaxed, his hands a  
feather-like touch on her hips. 

"Spent, Mulder?"

"Who, me? Never. Just give me five minutes and I'm good to go again," he replied, slipping off her and shifting so they were lying on their sides. She snuggled against him, a feeling of sheer contentment warming her body and soul. 

 

***

2:22 am

 

They were still lying on his couch in a tangled heap, Mulder's hand absently caressing her damp back, her head now resting on his chest. The rain had stopped and the street lights shone through the window. 

Scully raised her head and smiled at him. She then latched her mouth on his neck and sucked at the pulse point.

"You're gonna leave a mark there," he groaned.

"Wear a turtleneck tomorrow," she deadpanned.

"To work? Skinner would love that."

She laughed and the sensation was exhilarating. How long had it been since she had laughed like that?

He took her face in his hands and looked at her. He tucked a damp curl behind her ear and brushed her mouth softly with his. "This is absolutely unbelievable."

"What?"

"You. Me. Together like this. I've wanted it for so long. Way before they split us up. But I was so scared to drive you away... and I needed you so much."

"I was scared too. You're so driven, Mulder, so obsessed. And you made it clear from the beginning the work was all that mattered to you. I was so terrified to let you in only to discover you never wanted it. Me."

"We're some pair, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess Blevins couldn't have done any better."

"Ugh, don't talk about Blevins when we're in bed."

"We're not in bed, Mulder."

"When we're naked, then. Whatever." 

She brushed a lock of hair off his forehead and stroked his face. "What are we going to do now?"

"We'll take it as it comes, Scully. One day at a time."

"This is dangerous, you know. We could be split up."

"We're not going to walk into the Hoover holding hands."

"I know. Still..."

"Scully? Would you stop thinking for a moment?"

She laughed. "Okay."

"Now, if I'm not mistaken, you mentioned something about my office desk..."

**Author's Note:**

> Fox Mulder, Dana Scully and the X-Files belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. But they'd be nothing without David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. I mean no copyright infringement with my story; I just love them too much to let go of them.


End file.
